Love is blind – especially when you're head over
heels. But real danger could be lurking behind
the flowers.
Abuse comes in many forms (emotional, sexual
and physical). For an abuser, relationships are
about control and possession and jealousy, but
never love.
You may be able to escape and spare yourself a
broken heart and a black eye if you look out for
the following warning signs:
Too much, too soon
You've known the guy for less than a few weeks
and he is starting to talk about moving in
together, or marriage, or about kids. You feel
flattered, but pressurised, and he keeps
pushing.
If he's pushing for commitment long before
you're ready to do anything of the kind, this
guy is mightily insecure and is looking to
formalise your relationship to give him a sense
of worth and accomplishment and ownership
over you. For him, this is not about your
happiness
Heart-lung machine
He wants to be with you all the time, and if you
want to spend some time with your friends, he
tags along whether he is invited or not.
He plans your weekends, your evenings and
springs surprises on you. But he never really
asks what you want to do.
You start to feel a bit claustrophobic, even
though the attention is initially flattering. You
start to get the feeling that his whole life is
about this relationship.
Gifts galore
He showers you with gifts – some of them huge
and expensive and inappropriately large. This
makes you feel uneasy. He is doing this to
create a sense of obligation in you.
It's difficult to say no to someone who is so
generous to you. The odd bunch of flowers is
fine, but jewellery and designer items are
inappropriate at the beginning of a
relationship.
Oh, it's you
He shows up at your work constantly and
comes to your home uninvited on a constant
basis. This is a dangerous sign, as these could
be the beginning stages of stalking behaviour.
It's not so much that he wants to see you – he's
checking up on you.
Telephone terrorist
He phones constantly (in fact, he probably
phoned you the first time the very day after he
met you) and sends text messages all the time.
This is a preamble to possible future controlling/
stalking behaviour. He gets agitated when he
can't get hold of you.
Your friends/family express reservations
More than one friend tells you to take it slowly.
They can't quite put their finger on it, but
something about this guy bothers them. They
might even find him a little creepy, but are too
polite to say so.
Temper, temper
He has road rage attacks, and is aggressive to
people who do not do exactly as he wants them
to.
He feels he is right about everything and things
that go wrong are always someone else's fault.
This guy has serious ego and control issues and
is paranoid. He breaks things. The message
behind this is clear: this is what happens when I
don't get what I want, and you could be next.
He has few long-term friends
His friendships all seem relatively recent. He
fights with everyone and they stop being his
friends. Once or twice, OK, but all the time? He
will be fighting with you next. That's a promise.
He is also quite secretive about his own life,
friends, family and connections and says only
nasty things about his exes if he speaks about
them at all. This guy has a history he doesn't
want you to find out about.
He isolates you
He makes it uncomfortable for friends or family
to visit, and starts isolating you by criticising
everyone you know, or telling you they are not
good for you. This is done very subtly, and is
often noticed by others before you pick up on it.
He also starts belittling you in front of others.
Jealousy makes you nasty
He watches your every move and starts
accusing you of flirting with other men, or
cheating on him.
He starts to try and exercise control over what
you wear, how you do your hair, where you go
and with whom. If you don't comply he will
start to insult you and possibly even start
calling you names.
Get out, and get out fast. It gets more and
more difficult the longer you stay. And no,
nothing you do is going to change or placate
this guy. He doesn't want to be placated. Don't
even try. Just run.
heels. But real danger could be lurking behind
the flowers.
Abuse comes in many forms (emotional, sexual
and physical). For an abuser, relationships are
about control and possession and jealousy, but
never love.
You may be able to escape and spare yourself a
broken heart and a black eye if you look out for
the following warning signs:
Too much, too soon
You've known the guy for less than a few weeks
and he is starting to talk about moving in
together, or marriage, or about kids. You feel
flattered, but pressurised, and he keeps
pushing.
If he's pushing for commitment long before
you're ready to do anything of the kind, this
guy is mightily insecure and is looking to
formalise your relationship to give him a sense
of worth and accomplishment and ownership
over you. For him, this is not about your
happiness
Heart-lung machine
He wants to be with you all the time, and if you
want to spend some time with your friends, he
tags along whether he is invited or not.
He plans your weekends, your evenings and
springs surprises on you. But he never really
asks what you want to do.
You start to feel a bit claustrophobic, even
though the attention is initially flattering. You
start to get the feeling that his whole life is
about this relationship.
Gifts galore
He showers you with gifts – some of them huge
and expensive and inappropriately large. This
makes you feel uneasy. He is doing this to
create a sense of obligation in you.
It's difficult to say no to someone who is so
generous to you. The odd bunch of flowers is
fine, but jewellery and designer items are
inappropriate at the beginning of a
relationship.
Oh, it's you
He shows up at your work constantly and
comes to your home uninvited on a constant
basis. This is a dangerous sign, as these could
be the beginning stages of stalking behaviour.
It's not so much that he wants to see you – he's
checking up on you.
Telephone terrorist
He phones constantly (in fact, he probably
phoned you the first time the very day after he
met you) and sends text messages all the time.
This is a preamble to possible future controlling/
stalking behaviour. He gets agitated when he
can't get hold of you.
Your friends/family express reservations
More than one friend tells you to take it slowly.
They can't quite put their finger on it, but
something about this guy bothers them. They
might even find him a little creepy, but are too
polite to say so.
Temper, temper
He has road rage attacks, and is aggressive to
people who do not do exactly as he wants them
to.
He feels he is right about everything and things
that go wrong are always someone else's fault.
This guy has serious ego and control issues and
is paranoid. He breaks things. The message
behind this is clear: this is what happens when I
don't get what I want, and you could be next.
He has few long-term friends
His friendships all seem relatively recent. He
fights with everyone and they stop being his
friends. Once or twice, OK, but all the time? He
will be fighting with you next. That's a promise.
He is also quite secretive about his own life,
friends, family and connections and says only
nasty things about his exes if he speaks about
them at all. This guy has a history he doesn't
want you to find out about.
He isolates you
He makes it uncomfortable for friends or family
to visit, and starts isolating you by criticising
everyone you know, or telling you they are not
good for you. This is done very subtly, and is
often noticed by others before you pick up on it.
He also starts belittling you in front of others.
Jealousy makes you nasty
He watches your every move and starts
accusing you of flirting with other men, or
cheating on him.
He starts to try and exercise control over what
you wear, how you do your hair, where you go
and with whom. If you don't comply he will
start to insult you and possibly even start
calling you names.
Get out, and get out fast. It gets more and
more difficult the longer you stay. And no,
nothing you do is going to change or placate
this guy. He doesn't want to be placated. Don't
even try. Just run.
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